Answers...

I have read that you should give gifts in the multiples of 18 which I think is neat. My question is why?

You would love the section of my book, “Top Ten Things Non-Jews Want to Know About the Bar or Bat Mitzvah”! These issues are exactly what it covers. But enough about me. Here’s what you want to know. It’s not required to give cash gifts (or bookstore or other store gift cards) in multiples of 18 – it’s just a custom. Eighteen is the numeric equivalent of chai, the Hebrew word for “life”.

My daughter just entered a new school and met a young lady who invited her to a bat mitzvah. What should she wear? Any colors off base?

Although dress norms vary from town to town, boys typically wear suits and girls skirts/dresses to the service and, if the party doesn’t follow immediately, whatever degree of formality in dress is appropriate to the celebration. There are no colors that are off-limits in the synagogue for religious reasons – it’s more important to be appropriate, meaning (for girls) nothing too short, too tight, too revealing or provocative, etc. If the party invitation did not specify “black tie”, but it’s also not a swim party, you’re in that mid-range where the kids will wear anything from “nice casual” to their synagogue clothes. Have your daughter ask around to find out what other kids are wearing. Also, when at the service, she should not put a prayer shawl – they’re for adult Jews only, who say a special prayer when putting them on. She could put on a yarlmulke, but it’s not required for women and most don’t.

Is the bat mitzvah = Catholics making first communion or confirmation? I am not clear on what they are celebrating.

Bar or bat mitzvah literally means “a son or daughter of the commandment”. Under Jewish law, children are encouraged but not obligated until they reach the age of 13 (age 12 for girls) to observe the commandments. You become a bar mitzvah / bat mitzvah automatically at these ages whether you have a special ceremony and party or not. Becoming a bar mitzvah / bat mitzvah means you you’re now obliged to study Judaism’s practices, and obey its laws. It also confers the right to lead religious services, to count in a minyan (the minimum 10 people needed for a religious service), to form binding contracts, and to marry. Jewish law, however, does not consider 13-year-olds to be full adults – the Talmud (Torah commentary by rabbis that defines Jewish philosophy and practice) recommends higher ages for marriage and living independently from the family.

First holy communion is similar because it presumes that the child is mature enough to know when he’s sinned, and can confess and repent in preparation for Communion. Bar mitzvah likewise makes children responsible for understanding and obeying God’s laws. You could say that the bar mitzvah is also like confirmation in the sense that the child is symbolically ushered into the adult community. Jewish kids also have confirmation, usually in 11th Grade when they’re roughly 16 years old.