More Questions...

What amount should I give as a gift?

With cash gifts, the two considerations in figuring the amount are: how close you are to the family/child and what’s appropriate for you based on your financial circumstances. The other standard people tend to use – how affluent the hosts are – is really irrelevant.

The tradition is to give in multiples of $18, the numeric equivalent of chai, the Hebrew word for “life”. Follow, generally, your customary giving patterns. If you would normally give a niece or nephew $25 for a birthday, give $36-54 to the bat mitzvah in recognition that this is bigger than the standard birthday; if you’d more typically give a niece $50, give the bat mitzvah $72-108. Or, you can give less and supplement with a small gift or even a heart-felt letter – it’s especially flattering if you take the time to find out and speak to the child’s interests. If you’re VERY close to the child/family and you’re in good financial shape, give $150-$200. Well-heeled family members give $200+. Of course, in modest areas or small towns these numbers will be high; in very wealthy places, they may be low. But for many people they’re valid.

What amount should a kid give another kid?

A young friend completely nailed this for me (see below). Remember it’s also fine to give, in lieu of cash, a gift card to a book or music retailer.

You don’t particularly like the kid... $18
You like the kid but you’re of modest means... $15-20
You like the kid and money isn’t an issue... $25-$36
You’re well-off and it’s one of your closest friends... $50
Your families are really close and your parents are also invited... See previous question


I want to do something other than the standard candle-lighting at our daughter’s Bat Mitzvah but my husband is concerned about “breaking tradition”. Are you allowed to change it and what else could we do?

You’ll probably all be relieved – and amused – to find out there’s nothing sacred about candle-lighting. It was initiated in the 1950s by a caterer (!) who felt the bar mitzvah event needed a special ceremony. So go ahead and think out of the box. Your weary guests may well thank you. When we announced at our son’s bar mitzvah that we weren’t going to have a candle-lighting, people actually burst into applause. My issue with the usual format is that it takes too long and it makes people feel bad by honoring just a few guests. Who wants to go to a party and be told very clearly: you’re NOT our favorite friend?!

Good alternatives: have a box of long thin candles by the cake and invite guests to make a toast to the guest of honor (let your guests know ahead of time that this will happen so they can prepare). Then the bat mitzvah or the guest can light a candle and put it in the cake after each toast. Or, have one lit candle on each table and put an unlit votive and a long fireplace match at each place. Make a speech letting all your guests know how much you value them and light the candles together.